For a Moment There Was No One Home

I was walking alone at night during a meditation retreat in Italy, having regular thoughts with no particular or special experience when, quite suddenly, without warning or expectation, I was robbed of my normal experience. Until then I had been totally unaware that my mind had been expanded in any way. This unawakening was the worst experience I had ever had. I was shocked. Unaware. I was lost. Uprooted. Unprotected. There was no one home.

The experience was of total, heavy, oppressive ignorance. I had lost something that a moment earlier I did not even know I had. I was deeply dull. What had just happened to me? There was nothing specific that I could pinpoint other than the absence of the light of consciousness itself. How long could this possibly last?

I was extremely relieved when the expansion, the silent Self-effulgence and Self-knowingness of my normal experience, slowly returned over the next ten minutes. Overwhelming contentment and a warm, unbounded safety net again filled my awareness. After this brief visit into ignorance I consciously appreciated the Self and never again forgot It. This experience really started me thinking. What was it that I had lost? I realized that I had momentarily lost both my universal and my individual identity. I had become a God-less nobody in a universe of nothingness. This loss was unbearable. Yet what I momentarily lost was not even noticed until it disappeared! I had to conclude that however far apart unbounded-consciousness and regular life might appear to be they obviously co-exist face to face all of the time. But that reality needs to be known and acknowledged.

I had been experiencing my mental and physical life along with unbounded-consciousness. This experience was so spontaneous, so effortless and simple, that I did not have any conscious recognition of the natural state of oneness that exists between the two. The temporary experience of only body consciousness, only material, sensory experience, was profoundly disturbing. The difference between the two states was huge, almost unfathomable, and one without the other was unbearable. The natural status of pure-consciousness had not been recognized. I certainly recognized it when it was gone! I learned more from the absence of Self-awareness in those ten minutes than I had learned in years of flashy experiences. I realized suddenly that everyone has and is fundamentally this Self-awareness of unity. It is just not recognized or accepted as significant. Self-awareness, whether we know it or not, is the very nature and substance of everyone’s life. In the moment of loss I felt that I had lost the connectedness to existence itself, to God, to myself, to everything that really mattered. I had transitioned from a state of clear awareness to another state of no awareness. What an eye-opener that this was even possible!

For most of us, the process of evolution of consciousness is so gradual that it is hardly noticed. I saw it is not that difficult to gain unbounded-awareness because it is already delightfully seated as the nature of the mind, fully available when we are ready to know it. After my short visit into a zero pure-consciousness experience, regaining it reaffirmed the eternal relationship and mutual support between universal existence and the heart, the mind and physical activity.

The naturalness of unbounded-awareness was not even noticed until it was lost. I did not even realize how physically light, how knowledgeable, how downright great I had felt just a moment before. Positive qualities are hard to define in their pure states; they are very subtle. I can positively tell you that their absence is not.

All of us are inundated, surrounded by and composed of the essence of pure-consciousness, and yet most of us do not know it. All of our progress moves in the direction of revealing this reality. It is natural for seekers to want to move faster. Proper meditation procedures and understanding greatly enhances the speed of growth. They certainly did for me.

I have noticed that clear understanding creates the contentment and happiness that unifies and holds together even fleeting experiences. Knowing the value of what you own is as important as actually having it. What good is wealth, unknown and locked away? Just knowing its value creates the opportunity and means to use it.